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An island in a world full of bridges.
The world would swing, oh, if I were king.
Recent Entries 
9th-Jan-2013 01:04 am - greatest hits collection
marat
luke: i'm such a catch. some day, someone will realize this and close the deal.

luke: some people can jump high or pick up an instrument quickly... i hate without boundary

luke: so disgusted by people. i need to either become a murderer or a millionare and thus solve the problem or get away from it

lexi: i want to invite some hottie in the library to the party tonight... how do i ask her age tactfully?
luke: WILL ANYONE GO TO JAIL WHEN YOU GET YOUR ASS FUCKED TONIGHT?
luke: WHEN YOU"RE THE MAIN STAR OF A TEN MAN GANG BANG

luke: OHHHH NOSSSS HE"S A POT SMOKER!!! I THINK I"M LIVING IN THE FIFTIES HOLY SHIT CALL MCCARTHY HE MIGHT BE A COMMIE

luke: SOCIAL RETARDISM + UNREAL DEMANDS = LONELY LIFE SLEEPING WITH A BULLET UNDER YOUR PILLOW

luke: well, that makes me feel better then. realistic, aware, bitter. i should put that in a personals ad

luke: i wonder if there's any woman i've jerked it to in the past six months that wouldn't be horrified to know it.

luke: not too much. just woke up
lexi: tsk tsk
luke: I HAVE A VERY ACTIVE NIGHT LIFE EXCUSE ME
luke: I"M SORRY I LIKE TO GO OUT TO THE CLUBS AND BARS AND FEEL THE PULSE OF SOCIETY

luke: i hope you write me when i'm in prison

luke: i'd painfully record and detail all of it
luke: and write a book entitled WOMEN PUT ON TRIAL, VERDICT: DEATH

luke: fuck, i just dropped ice cream down my pants
luke: that's what i get for leaving the zipper unzipped after masturbating
luke: oh shit, i just did it again
luke: i'm zipping up ASAP

lexi: THATS LIFE
lexi: HORRIBLE
lexi: in a word
luke: that's odd
luke: you and life are described with the same word<

luke: IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT HER YOU"D BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TO RUIN HER MARRIAGE

lexi: so whats on your AGENDA TODAY
luke: gonna play me some video games, watch me 40 year old virgin and think of ray, listen to some shield episode commentaries, masturbate about 15 times, wallow in my filth and to top it all off, probably order some chinese. FULL PLATE TODAY, HOW ABOUT YOU?
lexi: oh man i thought you didnt eat take out anymore?

luke: ARE YOU EVEN MY FRIEND OR AN ACTOR?!?!
lexi: i WISH i was getting paid to put up with your BS
luke: OMG
luke: OMG
luke: LOOK WHO"S TALKING TOO WITH JOHN TRAVOLTA AND BRUCE WILLIS

luke: i wish i knew the exact moment when it became PERFECTLY OKAY to tell me all your DISGUSTING DETAILS, because i'd like to go back to that moment and SHOOT IT DEAD

luke: you are fucking horrible.
luke: that's why i like you
22nd-Nov-2010 11:50 pm - a quiet life of handshakes
marat
The only time in my life that I felt sure someone loved me as much as I did them, I broke up with that person because I stopped feeling it. I moved on and now I'm again faced with the familiar feeling of being the more attached one; probably only a few more weeks to find that elusive balance. I'm not sure which is worse -- feeling more or less. I turned 30 last week and I'm tired of shutting off, compartmentalizing.

I really should know better by now.
31st-Dec-2009 08:57 pm - The Year In Review
marat
I'm postdating this to Dec. 31st 2009 and am planning to keep a record of all the books I've read and film and television I've watched for the year, counting only those that are new to me (so, no repeat viewings). I'm going for a goal of 50 books and 100 movies.


Books:
Blink - Malcolm Gladwell
Collapse - Jared Diamond
Confessions of a Spy - Pete Earley
Finders Keepers - Mark Bowden
Freakonomics - Steven Levitt & Stephen Dubner
Gun, With Occasional Music - Jonathan Lethem
McMafia - Misha Glenny
On The Beach - Nevil Shute
Spy Wars - Tennet Bagley
The Coma - Alex Garland
The Demolished Man - Alfred Bester

Films:
American Graffiti
Battlestar Galatica: The Miniseries
Burn After Reading
Dhoom 2
Eagle Eye
I Have Never Forgotten You
Juno
In the Company of Men
Once
Raising Victor Vargas
Rob Roy
Sleeper
Star Trek
Stranger Than Fiction
Terminator Salvation
Valkyrie
Vantage Point

Television:
24 (Season 4)
24 (Season 5)
24 (Season 6)
24 (Season 7)
30 Rock (Season 3)
Brotherhood (Season 1)
Brotherhood (Season 2)
Brotherhood (Season 3)
Burn Notice (Season 1)
Burn Notice (Season 2)
Reno 911 (Season 2)
Reno 911 (Season 3)
Reno 911 (Season 4)
Reno 911 (Season 5)
The Office (Season 1)
The Office (Season 2)
The Office (Season 3)
The Office (Season 4)
The Office (Season 5)
22nd-Feb-2009 05:01 am(no subject)
marat
insomnia leads to bad decisions
18th-Feb-2009 11:15 pm(no subject)
marat


I love this song and it's rare that I've felt a video was so appropriate for the feel of a song.
17th-Feb-2009 11:30 am(no subject)
marat
Ever feel like being human is just a really pathetic state of affairs? Everything appears vulgar to me.
marat
This is my Christmas gift for my brother and sister, with a $20 bill inside:



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marat
To those few who pay attention, it would appear my previous entry provided a stark mood contrast to the one that preceded it. Though I might have stated I "fell in love with a woman I never have second thoughts about," unfortunately, she did have doubts about me. Seconds thoughts were had and in hardly any time at all, she fell out of love. It had all been going so well, though I suppose all heart-breaking endings need a good measure of hope. Further explanation seems irrelevant. It was over and I found myself on a plane instead of driving a moving van, leaving New York earlier than I had planned and with so much less than I had hoped.

She was what I was looking for in so many more ways than previous romantic interests. We had both told others, in the halycon beginning of our relationship, that we had finally found an opposite sex version of ourselves, which I, at least, had long wanted to find. My tried and true method of focusing on all the negatives after a romantic affair ends has been, at best, useless. She gave me little ammunition to distance myself with; everything was great right until she stopped loving me, no earlier. That the end was not borne of malice or deceit (I had never known her to lie to me, over anything) meant I could hardly be angry at her, let alone summon up hate. Those first few days after were not good. The emptiness seemed omnipresent, even more so because of the spaces I had cleared for her in my apartment. My apartment was half-filled, as was I. I tried to understand how things could change so quickly and it never made sense, even knowing many of the factors that colluded together to make her feel differently. I'll never really understand. It will always be a mystery in some way.

In the midst of my brooding, I recalled something I had written long ago (now edited for brevity) and which I have reiterated in various forms since then:

"More than anything right now, I want to get in a relationship, honestly fall in love, and then have it end badly ... and see how I handle it... I want to see if I can cut clean from a failed relationship, or if I'll sort of hang on as ... everyone seems to. I wonder if I could."

The remembrance of that thought alone was enough to snap me out of it. Was I going to waste another summer, another year, like I had when Jenna died? I loved this woman more than I did any woman before her but she no longer loved me; no amount of anything would ever make things the way they were. All the memories of good times and the longing-filled daydreams of the times to come would have to wither away -- and quickly. It was over, it was done. That was the only thing that mattered. The world doesn't stop for anyone.

It's been seven weeks now. There's been a flash of heartache here and there, a hard night a handful of times, but the break was true and fast. That which seemed unbreakable dissolved with barely more resistance than a gust of wind. Contact that was once daily has turned into a weekly phone call and an email or two. I sometimes wonder if she feels or thinks much about us. What was it that was there, in our hearts? Love is a creation, not a discovery.

Letting go is a useful talent, one of my few, but it's one you hope never to gain the experience to become so adept at.

That's not to say there aren't consequences to the end. The restlessness has come back. The long drives, the long nights, the nature of time becoming simultaneously too fast and too slow. Old companions, all. She had kept those impatient devils at bay. She was my refuge, my ward against the world. Now, once more unto the breach, full of discontent, threadbare passions and blurred visions.

Here we go again.
marat



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